My world has shrunk. Physically, it is limited to one cell of a room with one window that brings in sunshine for a few hours even during the long summer days. In reality, it has extended into the virtual realm. I am connected to hundreds of people virtually - through internet, through Facebook. Most I know: a very few real friends, family, collegues, mostly fake 'friends'. Many I have not met recently, in months, even years. A few, very few, I have not met at all. But I know them all, and it keeps me 'connected'.
Last night, I deactivated my account. This came as a surprise to a few since I virtually lived on Facebook. I am (still) a Facebook addict. So much that about two hours after deactivating my account, I activated it again. After checking through the usual channels, I deactivated it once more, with a firm warning to self, that this time it will be for a while. It is of course a temporary move. I just want to desensitize myself, cure myself of the addicition and dependency to Facebook.
I woke up to find an alarmed text from my brother, asking me to return, so we could stay in touch. Logged in to Gmail to find an angry one-liner from my 14 year old sister (who is nearly a decade younger to me), "One question, What the Fuck is your Problem?".
I do not like being on the defensive. I do not see why I have to explain myself to everyone. My reasons are my own, as is my life.
I like Facebook. It enables me to stay in touch with people all over the world. People I would not have the chance to keep in touch with otherwise. Some, it may not be possible to meet anymore. It also shows me insights to persons; they share themselves there. It means being with people, without having to be with them.
It is also an alternate form of human contact. Sometimes, it is not a voluntary decision to stay away from the crowds. My social circle is quite small. It is mostly people from school that I know and meet. They are all mostly busy. Where I live, at the end of civilisation, I have no friends. Ergo, an outing usually means venturing out to the City, and that costs money. When unemployed, the best option is to lay low. Hence, the only viable solution is to find indoor activities, and find virtual human contact. So I spend most of my time in my cell, online, waiting for the human race all over the world to spare some of their precious time.
But it is too precious. All they have time for, is a 'poke', a comment, a 'like'. If they can really be provoked into a proper human reaction, it is to lecture, to advise, to reprimand, to tell you how to do things, how not to do things. They can read the signs, but they do not like to respond. They want to share the laughter, and spare no opportunity to pass on the wisdom they had better save for their progeny. They all have a little to contribute about the "should" and are very apt at turning deaf, dumb and blind to "is".
In a colourful mix of dozens of friends, family and acquaintances, the lines of tolerance are drawn at happiness, laughter, jokes and smiles. "Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone." I do not appreciate that. I do not want fair weather friends. I do not want fake relationships. I hate this pretence. Because I am not like that. I do cry with people in distress. I do feel and hurt on their behalf. If I read a SOS message between the lines, I do send a message and find out if there is something I can do, somehow I can help, not merely advise on "how to live your life". So sick it all made me, so weary I was of waiting for sincerity to turn up, that I decided it was time to take a step back.
I thought about the time before The Social Network and realised that if someone truly wanted me, they should make an effort. Find me. Seek me. Phone me, text me, email me, write to me, get in touch with me, come for me. So far, the response I have had is from a 14 year old, thousands of miles away who feels I have acted unjustly and 'disappeared', as if I 'never was', and that I am not acting how a 'real Sibling should'. And one concerned one from my brother, also thousands of miles away, an email asking me to stay in touch please and to say what is wrong.
I have tried to explain. I do not like this pretense, this farce. I want people to treat me as 'person', not a 'profile' again. A person with feelings, with problems, with preferences, with sadness and joy, with tears and laughter. I want to learn to reach out to the real people in the real world again. Learn to rely on only a select few.
I want to be human again.
Last night, I deactivated my account. This came as a surprise to a few since I virtually lived on Facebook. I am (still) a Facebook addict. So much that about two hours after deactivating my account, I activated it again. After checking through the usual channels, I deactivated it once more, with a firm warning to self, that this time it will be for a while. It is of course a temporary move. I just want to desensitize myself, cure myself of the addicition and dependency to Facebook.
I woke up to find an alarmed text from my brother, asking me to return, so we could stay in touch. Logged in to Gmail to find an angry one-liner from my 14 year old sister (who is nearly a decade younger to me), "One question, What the Fuck is your Problem?".
I do not like being on the defensive. I do not see why I have to explain myself to everyone. My reasons are my own, as is my life.
I like Facebook. It enables me to stay in touch with people all over the world. People I would not have the chance to keep in touch with otherwise. Some, it may not be possible to meet anymore. It also shows me insights to persons; they share themselves there. It means being with people, without having to be with them.
It is also an alternate form of human contact. Sometimes, it is not a voluntary decision to stay away from the crowds. My social circle is quite small. It is mostly people from school that I know and meet. They are all mostly busy. Where I live, at the end of civilisation, I have no friends. Ergo, an outing usually means venturing out to the City, and that costs money. When unemployed, the best option is to lay low. Hence, the only viable solution is to find indoor activities, and find virtual human contact. So I spend most of my time in my cell, online, waiting for the human race all over the world to spare some of their precious time.
But it is too precious. All they have time for, is a 'poke', a comment, a 'like'. If they can really be provoked into a proper human reaction, it is to lecture, to advise, to reprimand, to tell you how to do things, how not to do things. They can read the signs, but they do not like to respond. They want to share the laughter, and spare no opportunity to pass on the wisdom they had better save for their progeny. They all have a little to contribute about the "should" and are very apt at turning deaf, dumb and blind to "is".
In a colourful mix of dozens of friends, family and acquaintances, the lines of tolerance are drawn at happiness, laughter, jokes and smiles. "Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone." I do not appreciate that. I do not want fair weather friends. I do not want fake relationships. I hate this pretence. Because I am not like that. I do cry with people in distress. I do feel and hurt on their behalf. If I read a SOS message between the lines, I do send a message and find out if there is something I can do, somehow I can help, not merely advise on "how to live your life". So sick it all made me, so weary I was of waiting for sincerity to turn up, that I decided it was time to take a step back.
I thought about the time before The Social Network and realised that if someone truly wanted me, they should make an effort. Find me. Seek me. Phone me, text me, email me, write to me, get in touch with me, come for me. So far, the response I have had is from a 14 year old, thousands of miles away who feels I have acted unjustly and 'disappeared', as if I 'never was', and that I am not acting how a 'real Sibling should'. And one concerned one from my brother, also thousands of miles away, an email asking me to stay in touch please and to say what is wrong.
I have tried to explain. I do not like this pretense, this farce. I want people to treat me as 'person', not a 'profile' again. A person with feelings, with problems, with preferences, with sadness and joy, with tears and laughter. I want to learn to reach out to the real people in the real world again. Learn to rely on only a select few.
I want to be human again.
